Hey so um, can we talk for a sec?
(aka let's talk about Eden(Lo) for a sec)
[[Um sure? (Click here)|I'm genderqueer]]
So, I'm actually genderqueer.
[[What is that?|What is that?]]
[[Cool, what are your pronouns?|Pronouns]]
[[Ugh, same|Contact Me]]
There are lots of definitions. For me, being genderqueer means I don't feel like saying I'm a “girl” or “boy” fits how I move through the world. You might also hear me use the term non-binary.
Trust me, I know that can be confusing. More importantly, if you like me, and think that I’m cool, then I’d like you to use some different pronouns for me and to not use gendered language when you talk to and about me.
[[Cool, what are your pronouns?|Pronouns]]
I use they/them and he/him pronouns.
For example, “Did you see that sick hat they were wearing?!” or “They are going to be carving all weekend if they think they’re going to make the deadline for the ‘Best Carved Gourd’ contest.”
Also, I prefer you don’t use gendered language when you refer to me. So please avoid phrases like, “You go, girl!”
More examples here: http://pronoun.is/they/.../themself
[[Ok cool, now what?|Now what?]]
[[I'm going to try, but I'm probably going to mess up|Messing up]]
[[but..but..singular they is a disgrace to my earholes|Disgraceful Pronouns]]
[[I’ve known you for a long time and you never mentioned anything like this before?!|Tell Me More]]
[[Resources|Resources]]
Hi,cuties!
I hope you like my attempt at making coming out easier. If you like it and want to holler at me, or if you hate it and think I should change/adapt something, or if you want to copy/pasta a lot of it for your own coming outs, or if you just want to chat about gender stuff in general, please contact me.
I've been me, Eden (and sometimes Lo)
Instagram: @edenknutilla
Twitter: @lo_noodles
Email: eden.knutilla@gmail.com
[[Back|I'm genderqueer]]
Coming out is hard. Sometimes it doesn't feel like the right time, and sometimes I chicken out. One of the reasons I wrote this was so that maybe it could be a little easier.
My journey with gender has been part of an ongoing story of sorting out who I am, and how I want to be seen and treated. Me telling you about it is just bringing you up to speed on what I’ve figured out so far.
[[Ok cool, now what?|Now what?]]
[[Thanks for sharing!|Thanks]]
Beyond you personally using my pronouns, let's talk about what to do when you hear someone else use the wrong pronouns for me.
This can be a little tricky. If you know the person, and you are one-on-one, please correct them and consider pointing them to this site (https://lknutilla.github.io/hey-so-um/). If you know someone knows about my pronouns and has forgotten, please correct them. In other situations, please use your best judgement, but keep in mind that this world isn’t always kind to queer folks.
[[Tell me more about you + gender|Tell Me More]]
[[I'm going to try, but I'm probably going to mess up|Messing up]]
[[Thanks for sharing!|Thanks]]
A couple things. One, we use singular they all the time when someone’s gender isn’t known. For example, “Did someone lose their phone?” So maybe think a little bit about why you’re taking a hard line now that I'm using singular they as a pronoun. Two, f**k’n Shakespeare used singular they. Three, please respect me and my pronouns.
A pretty infographic about singular they: http://iheartsingularthey.com/
[[Ok cool, now what?|Now what?]]
[[Can you do that?|Can you do that?]]
Yes, because it’s my life, and at the end of the day, I’m trying to have a good one. Figuring out my gender has been an important part of that for me. Life is confusing and murky, and taking myself out of the gender binary equation has helped me figure out a lot of stuff. Just for starters, my relationship with food, style, and the relationships that I have with romantic partners. Sometimes, I really wish that I wasn’t genderqueer. I grew up in the Midwest, and I hate to inconvenience other people, but that’s just the way this has all gone down. You ended up in my life, and now we find ourselves here. Trust me, it’s not as hard using the pronouns, as it is having non-normative pronouns. And if it wasn’t incredibly important to me, I wouldn’t be asking you to do it. Damn, life. Damn.
[[Ok cool, now what?|Now what?]]
When you mess up (and I know it’ll probably happen), I want you to know that it’s okay. It really is okay. Correct yourself and then continue saying the thing you were saying. If I or someone else corrects you, correct yourself, then continue saying the thing you were saying. Mostly, please avoid going into how hard it is, or like how much you’re trying, just correct yourself, then continue saying the thing you were saying. I want to keep talking with you, and I don't want pronouns to get in the way of that.
Here is an example conversation of what I would like you to do when you mess up my pronouns:
Person 1: What is Lo doing for this next project?
You: She, I mean they, are working on the little animation where the guy is jumping up and down while our user waits for the website to load.
Person 1: Oh nice, that is going to be one delightful user experience.
[[Ok cool, now what?|Now what?]]
I’ve been debating talking about this here. I’m still pretty uncomfortable talking about food, and gender is only *part* of the story.
Basically, when I was a teenager I started to be surrounded by all the noise that said that girls (and everyone else for that matter) should be skinny and here are a million and one diets and exercises to make you skinny. More importantly, my friends started to diet, and to say stuff like, “Let’s be bad and eat this cookie”. I have always been squishy, and there was a part of me that said I would be more attractive/successful/better if only I weighed X pounds.
I started dieting when I was in middle school, and by the time I was a sophomore in college I was constantly going on “diets” where I would eat 200 calories a day (that’s like seven almonds, a diet yogurt, a slice of cheese, and a granola bar) for a week and then my starving body would “break” and I’d eat like an entire cake + pizza + anything else I could get my hands on. I’m glad to say I never got to a point where I was really sick, but needless to say it was unhealthy.
Part of examining my gender stuff has allowed me to shed some of the constraints that I had put on myself while trying to be a “woman”. I also realized that diets don’t work, and I’m doing this thing now where I eat when I’m hungry, and then stop eating when I’m not hungry anymore, but it’s been pretty hard all the same.
[[Back|Tell Me More]]
Ooo yisss this has been my favorite part. I’ve loved fashion for a long time. I was even a fashion director and makeup artist for SHEI, University of Michigan’s fashion magazine. When I was first coming out as genderqueer, I kind of regressed for a bit because I was worried if I did anything femme-y, it would reverse whatever work I had done to convince people I was genderqueer. I’m glad to say those days are over, and now I do stuff like wear floral ties, chiffon jackets, and pork pie hats and prance around like the gay unicorn I was meant to be. If you see me looking good, please tell me. I try to wake up every day and get to a point with my outfit where I go, “damn, me. damn”.
[[Back|Tell Me More]]
For a long time, when I was dating people, there was a part of me that was like, these are the ways that people should be with each other when they’re dating cuz men are like this and women are like this and if you want to be a cool kid who dates people you have to be okay with it. And you know what, I haven’t always been okay with it. I was pushing myself into this box of what I thought it meant to be a “woman in a relationship”. Exploring my gender has let me re-evaluate how I do relationships and allowed me to create healthier boundaries for myself.
[[So you're gay?|Gay]]
[[And that makes your partners...?|Partners]]
Mmmhmmm so first of all gender =/= sexuality. I’m bi or pansexual (I like all the cuties).
Storytime: Growing up, I always thought that all my friends wanted to kiss each other. When I learned they actually just wanted to kiss the boys or just kiss the girls, then I thought oohhh I might be queer.
[[Back|Tell Me More]]
Also gay.
Well, thanks for listening! It’s hopefully been a good talk. I’m glad you’re joining me on this life journey thing that we’re all doing.
I've been me, Eden (and sometimes Lo)
Instagram: @edenknutilla
Twitter: @lo_noodles
[[Resources|Resources]]
Here is a link if you want to learn more about gender stuff. It’s not perfect, which is one of the reasons why I wrote this thing, but it’s one of the best articles I’ve read: https://www.genderspectrum.org/quick-links/understanding-gender/
Here is a cool site about different pronouns and usages: http://pronoun.is/
Here is a pretty infographic about singular they: http://iheartsingularthey.com/